Four years and seven months. That’s how long it’s been since Jonathan and I decided to take our best friendship to the next level. And yes, we still count our anniversary every month. And not just the anniversary of the day we got together (Nov. 12, 1997). But also of the day we first kissed, the day we first became friends, the day we first met in person, and the day we first…you know.
A lot has changed over this time. We’ve seen each other through many milestones in our lives. We’ve shared memories and experiences that no one else can have. We’ve gone through very rocky and painful times. And above it all, we’re still in love with each other even now.
In the beginning I felt a lot deeper about him than he did for me. But we both made the mistake of confessing love for each other before the time was right. I felt it before we even had gotten together. I had never been in love before. All of my previous relationships had been ended by me in three weeks or less. I knew what I wanted. I knew what my standards were. And I wouldn’t settle for less. But Jonathan and I had been building something special for quite some time. I realized that my best friendship with him was turning into something more. Not only did I trust him and love him as a friend, but there was physical attraction there too.
I can remember spending time over at his house. We’d be watching a movie, or rough-housing, or just talking. And sometimes I would just look at him and wish he’d just lean over and kiss me. But I didn’t know how he felt about me. I was too chicken to make the first move myself. In retrospect the signs were all so obvious. But I think fear of rejection took over, and clouded my ability to see clearly. I remember, for instance, that we had developed this weird little game of biting each other’s noses. Don’t ask me how that got started. I really don’t remember. I just remember that for some reason we would bite each other’s noses. I had always thought about conveniently “missing” and hitting his lips instead. But I never did. And neither did he.
But finally, one night we were watching a movie. And when it was over, it happened. Though it took three tries. We had been lying on his bed, watching Scream. The movie had ended, and the credits were rolling. I hadn’t seen the movie before so he was asking me what I thought of it. After talking about it for a brief time we both got quiet. We lay next to each other, face to face. I could feel my face moving slowly closer towards his. Was it just me? Or was he moving in too? But I didn’t dare jeopardize the moment by lunging in lips first. I waited through the agonizingly slow process to see what would happen. Neither of us said a word as our faces leaned in closer together. Finally, our lips were touching. All it would take was for one person to make a slight quiver of the lips.
But before it could happen, Holly, his brother’s girlfriend, burst into the room. She came in to complain about a movie that she and Jason had been watching. She ranted about it for a minute or two, and then finally left us, closing the door behind her. I was seething inside. I was afraid she may have ruined that chance. But shortly after, I found it was happening all over again. Our faces were drawing in closer, but still ever…so…slowly…. And then our lips were touching again. This is it! I thought. And then with a loud
hisssssss the tape ended, filling the room with a loud snowstorm of black and white noise. Jonathan quickly fumbled to find the remote, and turned off the TV. Two strikes. One more and we’d be out. I was almost beginning to feel like maybe it wouldn’t happen. And once again, there we were. Same scenario. Only this time one of us made the move, and at last we kissed.
I had never felt anything so electric. Sometimes I can still close my eyes and pull myself back into that feeling. What I wouldn’t give to go back and experience it all over again.
He had to take me home shortly after that. When he dropped me off at my porch he kissed me on the cheek. I said “thank you.” He still teases me about that.
It wasn’t until a few days later that we actually got together. About three days after our first kiss, we talked. I knew I was in love with him. And I told him that. And instead of scaring him off, I think it scared him into saying it too. Now, nearly five years later, I’ve come to find out that he didn’t really feel like I thought he did. It wasn’t really until a few years later that his feelings for me really changed. But, I was so caught up in how I felt about him, and wanting to have that storybook romance that I ignored the signs, and I never really gave him the opportunity to tell me the truth.
About two years after we got together I had gone in to this psychic training institute in Berkeley to have a “free reading” done. At the end of the reading I asked about Jonathan and I. They told me I was going to have to let him go. They didn’t really say much else. At the time I thought they were nuts.
But a few months later another woman came into the picture. Jonathan had a class with her, and he knew her from the police department where he was a volunteer. They started spending a lot of time together, going out for coffee and talking. At one point, early on, he told me that she had asked him to come to San Luis Obispo with her to visit her dad. Jonathan asked me about how I felt about it. I wrote in my journal at the time that “I told Jon he could go if he wanted (what was I going to tell him? I do trust him, but it still scares me and makes me jealous.) I mean, I’d rather him not, but if he does go then there’s nothing I can do about it.”
He didn’t go, but they did start becoming even closer. It became very apparent to me that her intentions were more than just platonic. I tried to tell Jonathan, but at that time he didn’t want to listen. He was basking in her attention. The whole thing ensued in about four months of being treated like I was nothing. Being knocked off of my pedestal so that she could be placed there instead. Being lied to about her. Having numerous “talks” where Jonathan basically came out and told me he was thinking about leaving me. And I made the mistake of thinking I could hold on to him. After being hurt, lied to, mistreated, and neglected because of her and his relationship with her I finally decided to let go. I realized that if he didn’t want to be with me that it was wrong of me to try to hold on. So, I had decided that I was going to back away and let him go.
And as soon as I made this decision, and started to push away from him, something happened. It wasn’t more than a few weeks later that his entire attitude changed. Suddenly he seemed to want to be with me. It was as if as soon as I turned my back and started to walk away, he ran after me and dragged me back. And as hard as it is to admit, I think in a way, that whole situation saved our relationship. All it took was to have my heart torn out, broken, and stomped on continuously for four months. It’s still repairing even two years later. But anyone who has been severely hurt by someone you deeply love knows how hard and painful it is to recover.
I think that whole experience took away my innocence and naivity about relationships. It’s been hard rebuilding trust. It’s been hard not feeling jealous when other females come into the picture. I’m so afraid that what happened two years ago could happen again that I get defensive when he starts developing relationships with other females again. I trusted him back then. I tried to put aside my nagging feelings and let him make the right decisions. But it all backfired, and left me sadder but wiser.
And today I have a different kind of love for him. It’s not the same butterfly-in-my-stomach feeling I used to get every time I saw him. Now it’s moved beyond that. I love him unconditionally. Despite the pain he caused me, I still love him deeply. And little by little my trust comes back.
The thing is, now I know that he really loves me too. Before I think it was just lust coupled with an extreme like. But it wasn’t love. Slowly I’m seeing that it is different now. I haven’t doubted that he loves me since that summer. I know it’s there. And I know that it’s unconditional.
And if for some reason we split apart, I would always love him. A part of me would probably always want him back. You can’t lose something like what we have and not spend the rest of your life wondering. But hopefully it will never come to that. And even if for some reason we can’t last as a couple, I hope that we do keep our promise to each other to always be best friends. There’s nobody in the world closer to me than he is, and I’d be losing a part of myself to lose him. But I think that no matter what life throws our way, he and I could survive anything. One way or another, I think we were meant to have each other in our lives. In one form or another, friend or lover, he is my soul mate.
Tipping. It shouldn't be expected. Service workers get paid by their employer to perform specified duties. They are also expected, like any other job, to perform those duties with a certain amount of detail, care, and effort. In any other job it is expected that you will do a good job. If you don't you get let go.
With the service industry it is expected that as long as you do your job in a satisfactory manner that the customer should leave a tip. And if a small tip is left, it is considered rudeness on the part of the customer. If a 15-20% tip (or whatever it may be for the particular person) is expected, why not just tack it on to the bill?
The system is all wrong. Tipping should not be expected. It should be used as a thank you for exceptional service, for a server that goes above and beyond the call of duty. When a server goes out of their way to accomodate you, or provides extra special, or friendly, or fast service then they deserve a tip. But there should not be set expected tips. These people are getting paid hourly wages in order to perform their job. I shouldn't have to pay them even more money just because they did what they were supposed to. And if they do a horrible job? A call to their supervisor. There's no excuse for laziness, incompetence, or poor customer service.
In the service industry, just doing your job isn't enough to merit praise or rewards. Just doing your job is really only doing a half-assed job. If you don't like waiting on and serving other people, there are plenty of jobs outside of the service industry that don't require any customer service skils at all. Try a job like that, and you'll quickly realize that just doing the minimum wont land you a promotion, a raise, respect, fame, fortune, or glory. You'll stay stuck in the same spot forever. Or you may be easily replaced by someone who is willing to work harder than you are.
If there's anything that sucks more than looking for a job in a market as tight as this one, please tell me what it is.
I had a job lined up. It seemed like I had gotten the job. The woman who interviewed me seemed very interested, and had scheduled me for a second interview with the woman whose job I'd be taking over. But then there were all kinds of communications problems within the company. I got rescheduled twice. And finally I got a phone call from the interviewer telling me that they were still interested in hiring me for the position, but that they were having some issues within the company regarding communication, and that she would be in touch. She thanked me for my patience, and told me to let her know if I found something else in the meantime.
So, back to square one.
I had been really excited about this job, especially since it seemed to just fall in my lap. I was at a career fair talking to a recruiter for this staffing company I interviewed for. She was looking over my resume, and we were chatting, and she told me that she knew of a position in one of their other offices that they weren't advertising for at this career fair, but that she thought I'd be a good candidate for. So she said she'd forward my resume. She did, I got a call a few days later, and then an interview.
I had considered myself pretty lucky too because one of the career counselors at Berkeley had told me that it's taking graduating seniors an average of 3 to 6 months to find a job. It had only taken me 3 weeks. But, I guess opening my fat mouth and telling other people about my luck jinxed me. I'm starting to become very superstitious about telling people things. It seems like any time I go telling a bunch of people about something good that might happen to me, it doesn't happen. I like to call it the "Make-an-Ass-Out-of-Me" factor. If I tell a bunch of people about my good fortune then it wont actually happen so I look like I'm full of hot air or something. I should just keep my divulging to a few select people, like my parents and my boyfriend.
So, it's back to job hunting. I've been looking around Monster.com, and other job listing sites. I've sent out some resumes, but haven't heard back from anyone yet. I just sent out a resume for this one position that I would absolutely love to get. Cross your fingers and wish me luck!
Can someone explain to me what's going on? When I go to update my HTML all of the additions I last added are gone. I can go in, edit the code, hit save, then hit publish. It shows up fine until I go back to edit it again. Then those changes are gone, and I have to re-enter the code again. Why do my changes keep disappearing? It's been doing this since yesterday.
A new low for the courts
I think everyone in Florida has severe mental problems. First they can't vote, and now
this.
A drug dealer in Miami requested and received a new trial because he asked for a jury in which no one had a last name that started with the letter "G." He claimed that these people were likely to be Hispanic, and thus
not his peers (the accused is black).
This jerk is taking the word "peers" a little too strongly. In that case I think that next time a white man is accused of lynching a black man that the white man should request an all white jury, because "blacks aren't his peers."
And the judge that OKed the new trial should be taken out and shot.
