Flavor du Jour

I was watching a talk show earlier today, where guests were revealing secrets to their loved ones. This one guest came on to tell his girlfriend of 3 years that he had been secretly having internet affairs. He said he never actually met or had physical sex with any of these women, but that he did occasionally have cyber sex with them, and had even had phone sex with one woman on a couple of occasions. The crazy thing is that he said he wanted to marry his girlfriend, so he felt like he had to come clean about his secret.

Obviously the girlfriend was upset. She yelled at him about it. Cried a little. Asked him why he always told her he loved her and then had to have other women in his life. But, in the end she decided to keep him, and even took the ring.

I would have walked away. Maybe if it were one incident and he admitted to it right away and really seemed sorry about it, I may have taken him back. But this guy said he talked to women online all the time. He’d meet them in chat rooms, on personal’s pages, and by looking up these women’s personal websites. He said he only actually had online romances with a few of them, but that he talked to a lot of different women online that his girlfriend didn’t know about. He admitted even that he was always talking to other women to suss out potential new lovers.

I just don’t understand how people can cheat, and still feel good about themselves. Sure, some people would argue that if it’s just an internet relationship, and that the people never actually meet and have sex, that it’s not really cheating. But isn’t it? Isn’t that being unfaithful to the person you claim to love? This guy was sharing things with his online women that he should have only been sharing with his girlfriend. He was treating them like he should have only been treating her.

I would think that when you commit to someone in a relationship that you would truly make that person your one and only. It’s fine to have friends, but when you have to hide them from the person you love, there’s something more going on there. There’s obviously something wrong. And you’re not being faithful to your lover. But so many people are so immature in relationships that instead of facing reality, and dealing with the consequences of their actions, they hide things from their lovers. Nearly every talk show I see somehow revolves around hiding things from the people you love. But when you have to hide people that you even call just friends, it’s obviously not just friends. Because if it were that innocent, there shouldn’t be a problem.

What strikes me most, is that this guy told his girlfriend, to her face, that he loves her more than anything else in the world, and that he wants to marry her. To be committed to her, and only her, for the rest of their lives. Why be committed now? Why not during the last three years of their relationship? How could he tell her with a straight face for the past three years that he loved her, yet know that he was betraying her?

People don’t know what love really is. If you truly, honestly love the person you’re with, cheating isn’t an option. You come to the point where that person’s happiness is so entangled in your own happiness that even the thought of hurting them like that, regardless of whether or not they’d ever find out, tears you up inside.

Most people mistake lust, or really liking someone for love. I don’t even know if I’m so sure that many people today are even capable of truly being in love. Most people are too selfish, too greedy, too dishonest, and too impulsive to love someone. Love requires extreme patience, understanding, undying commitment, sacrifice. Real love is about something bigger than you. When you are truly in love with someone everything you do somehow becomes about them too. You no longer function as an individual, alone. That person is as much a part of your life as anything else. You can’t separate them from you. Everything you do involves them in some way. Even if that just means thinking about how your decisions will effect them.

We are a society of very shallow people. Most of us can’t open ourselves up enough, and make ourselves vulnerable enough, to truly love a person. We’re so afraid that the other person will reject us. But real love is unconditional. Ultimatums don’t exist when you truly love a person. It’s called compromise. When love is that real, you find that you’re willing to sacrifice to see your lover happy. Unconditional love means that regardless of what that person says or does you still love them. Sometimes they do something so hurtful and bad (like cheating) that it means you can’t be with them any more. But if the love is real, and it’s unconditional, deep inside you still truly love them. It’s a feeling that can’t go away. Unconditional love is like how people feel towards their pets. Your dog may pee in the house, or chew up your shoes, and you may be angry with him, but you still love him. You still accept him. And even when things get so bad that you really can’t keep him anymore, it tears you up. You really do love your pet, but it just can’t be.

If that guy on that talk show really, truly was in love with his girlfriend, I don’t know that he ever would have cheated on her. Or even if he had, he wouldn’t have done it to the extent that he did. One mistake can be forgiven. But when it becomes more, that person has a problem. They obviously aren’t emotionally mature enough to handle adult relationships. They obviously don’t know how to truly love. Maybe he really is sorry for what he did. Maybe he really will never do it again. But that trust is destroyed between he and his girlfriend. She’ll always wonder. She’ll always be suspicious. She may someday get much of that trust back. But it will never be the same.

I feel for that woman. Especially since she accepted his proposal. I hope he never does do anything like that again. And since he obviously has a problem with meeting women online, I think maybe he should just stop meeting women online all together. Not even as friends. He obviously can’t handle himself. If he’s hiding women that he even only calls “friends” he’s got serious problems.

What scares me more is that this kind of thing is not uncommon. People cheat all the time on their lovers. But it doesn’t make it right. It doesn’t make it okay. Don’t tell someone you love them, and then have relationships with other people. Even if those relationships don’t involve physical intimacy. If you don’t feel comfortable telling your lover about them then you’re probably doing something wrong. You shouldn’t have to hide something from someone who truly loves you.

But maybe I’m a rare breed. I’d hate to think that most people are prone to cheating. I’d like to believe that there are many other people out there like myself who can’t stomach the idea of hurting the person you love like that. And it scares me that even though I can be completely faithful to the person I’m with, that I really have no way of knowing that they aren’t secretly hurting me behind my back. There’s no way of really knowing. You can only trust that person, and hope that your trust isn’t misguided. And if it is, you can only hope that somehow you find out about their cheating ways, and are given the opportunity to walk away from that person before they can hurt you anymore.

I got a steal yesterday! I went shopping for a new suit. Macy's didn't have crap for a selection, unless I wanted to look like I was 50. So I stopped by The Limited. Being the miserably poor person that I am I ran back towards the sale section. There were a few black jackets hanging so I looked for one in my size, and thankfully there was one. So I snagged it, tried it on, Jonathan gave it the big thumbs up, and then I checked out the price. It had been marked down from $119 to $69. I found a matching skirt, which had also been marked down to $30 (from $40), tried them on, and decided to go ahead and get them. When I went up to pay, the woman told me the total was $160 something. Thinking back to basic math, it seemed to me that $70 plus $30 was more like $100. So, I opened my big fat mouth. The woman and I began to argue. I told her that there was a clearance sticker on the tag of the jacket which had it marked down. She told me that was a new style jacket and that it wasn't marked down. I told her it was, she told me it wasn't. So, I opened the bag, pulled out the tag, and showed it to her. She started to peel the sticker off like there would be something that proved she was right underneath, but then she stopped. I told her where I found the jacket, and she walked over there and showed me that the jackets that were really on sale were a different style. I asked her why there were 2 new jackets in the clearance then, and why they had stickers on them. After going back and forth a few more times, she decided to give it to me for the discounted price! I got a brand new jacket for more than 40% off! So, I just smiled, told her to have a great day, and tried to contain my enormous smile until I had actually left the store.

Moral of the story: open your big fat mouth, and who knows what people will do to shut you up!

I got this email from BlogSnob saying my site was accepted into their network. They also lured me in with mention of SnobJumping. They made it sound so cool, like everyone was doing it. So, of course I jumped on. It's basically where you jump from blog to blog using the links in the little blogsnob ad on every site you visit. Then you talk about your travels, aka a "traversal." So I tried it, and it was fun. Here's my tale:

The first site I visited was Night's Journal. I liked the pic of the sign in front of McD's. So that prompted my to check out his laughs page. There was this clearly edited picture of George W on there. Since it was edited, I couldn’t really say it was that funny. I like it when it’s real. So, I sent him a picture of Clinton waving, but his hand is making the sign of the devil.

From there I jumped over to Ten Reasons Why. I found a cool link on there to this game on Google called Google Sets. I played that for a few, and then got bored. I guess I was just anxious to hop on over to the next site. But, before I did I read some of what the author wrote. He was talking about his first computer, a Commodore 64, which just happened to be my first computer too. Only, my family didn’t get it when it first came out. We got it in the early 90’s. I can remember spending hours typing in code just to get a little ball to bounce across the screen. Hey, it kept me out of trouble!

The next stop was detox:synesthesia. This girl lives in San Francisco, right across the bay from me. I started reading through her posts, and found myself pretty engrossed in what’s going on in her life. I guess it’s more fascinating than my own life.

Then I headed over to the blog of Matthew Yglesias. Liberal politics. Blech. I think I may send the link over to my friend Rory, to give him more fuel for the fire.

The next link took me to Chaos Theory. This site had a lot of links to different quizzes, and trivia. I decided to take a random quiz. Well, I gave up pretty quickly. I don’t even know what the FA Cups are, let alone who won them in 1989 (btw, it was Liverpool if you’re at all interested).

And then it was off to paraesthesia. His first post mentioned how his sister had just come back from Thailand. I guess she told him about how when she went to vendors over there to buy something the vendor would call someone up on a cell phone, and then suddenly a taxi would appear and someone would hop out with your order. I want to go to Thailand now. Plus, custom suits for $30!!! And then he talked about going to Vegas. Jonathan and I went back in November. I’d love to go back, but…well I won’t go there.

The last site on my journey was TheEndsoftheEarth which had some awesome links. I really needed to stop because I gotta get ready to head out to my boyfriends. But I’m going to go back and explore that site a little more. There was some interesting stuff on there.

Anyway, I had a fun little trip. I found some neat stuff, learned a few new things, and wasted plenty of time that I could have spent getting ready….

(if you're looking for the hair style stuff, scroll down a smidge)

She's got egg on her face now

Well, if this doesn't prove how superficial and screwed up the media is, I don't know what will.

Terylin Joe, a well known anchor for the local NBC affiliate's news program got in trouble Memorial Day for chucking eggs and tomatoes at two workers cutting ivy off of a wall. She allegedly stuck her head out her bedroom window to complain that they were making too much noise, and that she was trying to sleep. When the noise didn't stop she leaned out the window again and started throwing eggs and tomatoes at the two workers.

I have one thing to say to you little miss Terilyn Joe--get over yourself. Sure, you're an anchor in the SF Bay Area, but honestly, you could leave and no one would care. In the words of Holden Caulfield, you're a phony. I've seen you attempt to appear compassionate and empathetic on your news program. But now your mask has been yanked off, and you have egg all over your face.

This is just a symptom of a larger problem. The media is a joke. You'd expect to turn on the news and see information that would be useful, or that is really important. You would hope that when they say they have in depth coverage that it would really be deeper than the puddle of mud that it really is. Instead, they talk about completely useless, inane stories like about a local high school kid volunteering in the community. Whoop-de-do. All high school kids should be volunteering in their communities as part of their graduation requirements. It shouldn't be done for self-gratification (and media exposure). Or they stalk families grieving over a personal tragedy, such as how the media vultures have been ramming cameras down the throats of Chandra Levy's family since she was missing (until 9/11 gave them a break). But now that her body was found, they're camped outside of the Levy family's home like a 16-year-old love-sick boy pining over some girl who doesn't want to have anything to do with him. Only they bring cameras, and broadcast the fruits of their stalking voyages on TV for all to see. Where's the shame? Let the family grieve alone. Is it really important that the whole world knows that the family is hurting? I think we can all figure that out. And if you can't, then TV has damaged your brain way too much, and you need to just unplug the set, chuck it out the window, and never look back.

Plus, whenever the media does talk about something, it's always biased (mostly to the left). The news is supposed to objective, but they are anything but. They just shove their opinions down your throat while making you think it tastes good. Well, wake up your taste buds, because it tastes like a steaming pile of poo on a saltine cracker. They only talk about stories which fit their political agendas. Which would be fine, if the media was more balanced. Currently the left has capitalized on TV in particular. They pretty much control the market. There needs to be more choice in where we get our information. Sure, there's the internet, and there's the newspapers (which also lean mostly to the left), and talk radio. But TV is so easy. You just plop your butt down in front of the old boob tube with a bowl of ranch flavored pork rinds and let your brain turn to mush, drip out of your ears, and let the news refill your hollow shell of a head with garbage.

If I had the money, and if I ever do, I would start a news network of my own. People don't have to like what my network talks about. They don't have to agree with it. It could be inflamatory, or un-PC. But they don't have to watch it. At least it would give them some other choice. And competition in the media would be good. I mean true competition. Have networks out checking the credibility of the stories run on other networks. That'll make them think twice about all of the bs they feed us. I mean what is with the media saying one day that eating whale liver cures brain tumors, and then turning around a few months later and telling us that not only does it cause brain tumors, but that if we get rid of all whale liver in products we consume that we'd be instantly smarter too!

It's all bull. It's all about the ratings. These high-maintenance, self-absorbed, money-hungry jerks like Terylin Joe don't care if the story really makes your life better, or if it really is in depth and tells you something you couldn't find out on your own. They don't give a damn about how the subjects of their torture really feel. All they care is that the ratings are good, their hair is perfect, and that the money keeps pouring in.

Okay, I used this Cosmo Virtual Makeover program to paste some hair-dos on an old pic. I'm trying to decide how to get my hair chopped when I go see Annette. Click on the comments link to let me know which you like, and don't like.

By the way, ignore the horrible hair color, and paste job. The program can only do so much. Oh, and if the pictures show up as broken (y'know the little red x) just right click, and select "show picture" and it should work. My image hosting service is a little finicky.

Since the images were taking too long to load up, and the poll was pretty much over, I decided to remove the pictures. Sorry!

I really should go out and do something productive today. I spent all last week studying, taking finals, and graduating, so I've been a bit worn out. But I have a lot of stuff I need to do. Like...get a job (but I'm really trying on that one...I'm waiting for a call from this one place), get my hair cut (and maybe highlighted...oh and I need to decide how to get it cut too), go to the gym (my personal trainer would probably be happy to see me...though he'd probably bark at me since I haven't been going), finish getting my shit together for Jonathan's birthday next week, go by an AC adapter for my digital camera (I need to dig out my manual though!), go out to Berkeley and turn in my gown (before the charge me like $25 in late fees!)...But I don't wanna do anything!!!

I think at the very least I'm going to call Annette (my stylist) to set up an appointment. She's so awesome, but she's always booked. Maybe since she just moved to a new salon she'll be easier to get an appointment with. Maybe I'll put a few pictures on the site and see which styles people like best so I know how to get my hair cut...but we'll see!

In case you didn't know:

2 out of 3 adults in the United Stated have hemmorhoids.

Mississippi is the state with the highest percentage of couch potatoes.

A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in India.

And the madness continues...

I've been having a lot of dreams lately. Some really odd ones. Last night I dreamed that I was out in Berkeley, at the BART station at the bottom of campus. I was with two friends, though in reality I knew neither of the people. Suddenly the ground began to shake, and there was a large flash of light which poured over everything. We knew instantly what had happened. A nuclear bomb had just dropped. The next few scenes of the dream are a little unclear. What I am sure of is that I was still with my two friends and we were trying to figure out what to do, and where to go. We hadn't left the BART station, yet we knew that thousands of people were dying every minute. We knew that we could save ourselves, but we didn't know how. Me and one of my friends wanted to get on the BART train, which was still running, and get out of the area. But the other girl was going crazy and was screaming that she didn't want to do that. She kept screaming about everything, becoming very frantic. I remember looking down to the platform where a train was about to leave. It was full of people lying on the seats, as if they were sleeping. I ended up leaving the two friends (I know for sure that I left behind the crazy one, but I just don't remember seeing the other one). I got onto the BART train, and travelled to what I think was the end of the Pittsburg/Baypoint line. Then the train turned around and came back to Berkeley. I don't know what the purpose of the trip was, but I remember when the train turned around and began to head back that it was very bright in the train, as if the sun was shining particularly hard that day. I ended up back in Berkeley where I got off the train. This time I left the station, where I think I reunited with the non-crazy friend. We began to walk up towards the campus. As we were walking I began to say that I had to find Jonathan (my boyfriend). Even though in reality he lives almost an hour from Berkeley, and never goes out there, in my dream he was out there. Somewhere south of the campus. I started running toawrds where I thought he would be hoping that he wasn't one of the ones killed, frantic that it was too late. My dream ended with me running to find Jonathan.

What does it mean? My dream books don't really explain it. But, I've come to doubt those things. Every book has a different interpretation. And if there is no common thread in any of those books, then it seems to suggest that the interpretations are subject to the thoughts of the author. It's culturally variable. Different groups will have different interpretations based on their value systems, their cosmology, and the meanings they assign to certain things. And then from there I think the individual plays a huge role in infusing meaning into their dreams. Despite the cultural system we belong to, we still have our own interpretations of the world around us which may or may not always agree with the interpretations of our larger society.

Certainly some dreams have set meanings (or do they?) like the dream where you go to school naked. I used to have a similar dream all the time. It was always the same. I think I used to have this dream when I was fairly young. I don't remember ever having it after I got into high school. I would go to school (my elementary school), but I would still be wearing my pajamas. I wouldn't realize that I was wearing them though until lunch time. My elementary school had this fence that separated the parking lot from the field. There was a gate there which we called the barbeque gate. Whenever it was barbeque day at school the kids would line up at that gate to get their hamburger, and then walk through the doorway on the side of the building to get into the cafeteria. Every single time in my dream, I would be standing at the barbeque gate waiting for lunch, when I would become suddenly aware that I was wearing my pajamas. And even though I had already gone through half of my day that way, I would become very self conscious and embarrassed. That was always the end of the dream. No one laughed at me, no one ever said anything. I never even remember exactly seeing anyone else in my dreams. Just the suggestion that there were other people there.

I remember reading once that dreams were just random firings of your synapses while you were asleep. It was just your brains way of refreshing itself, if I rememebr right. These firings would cause random images or thoughts or feelings to manifest themselves in your brain. And since humans always try to rationalize everything, dreams were a product of our brains attempting to rationalize and put together all of those random things caused by our synapses firing while we sleep. Perhaps that makes sense though. And maybe dreams don't really have a meaning. Perhaps we ascribe meanings to them as a way of understanding them. And sometimes those meanings seem to fit well with what is going on in our lives.

But I think that not all dreams are so random. I've had dreams that seemed to true to life, or seemed to have a meaning that stuck out like a sore thumb, without my having to consult a dream book. Dreams about someone you know, someone who has passed on perhaps. Or dreams where you see things before they actually happen. I've had dreams like these. I had a dream in high school that I was standing in line for PE reading the school newspaper. I had forgotten that dream until later that day, when I was actually standing in line with a newspaper in my hand, and the dream came flashing back to me. Or even more real, and eerie, was a dream I had about 7 years ago. My Great Grandmother had been ill and in a convalescent hospital. One night I had a dream that I was asleep in my bed. My mother came into my room and woke me up, telling me to come say goodbye to my Great Grandma and Great Grandpa (my Great Grandpa had passed away a few years earlier). Both of my Great Grandparents looked very young, like they were in their 30's. My Great Grandfather walked into my room, and my mom and Great Grandma left. He told me that he was taking my Great Grandma with him, but that he wanted to talk to me. I remember there was this little blue b&w portable TV I had in my room (in real life) at the time. In my dream it was plugged in and set up on my vanity bench. It was on, and there were two people on the screen, like the heads of a man and a woman perhaps. But I don't really know if this had anything at all to do with my dream. My Great Grandfather stood in front of me and then told me that I needed to listen carefully and remember what he told me because it was very important. He went on to tell me something, but for the life of me, I can't remember a word of it. What's even stranger is that when I woke up that morning my mom told me that my Great Grandmother had suffered a stroke just about an hour or two earlier. She told me that the nurses had thought they were going to lose her, but she managed to pull through. If it was just a coincidence, then what a coincidence it was. Dreaming that my Great Grandfather was about to take my Great Grandmother away with him. And then to find out that while I had been sleeping, perhaps even while I had been ahving that dream, she actually almost did pass away. To this day I don't know what my Great Grandfather said to me. But I think it's there, somewhere deep in my mind. My mom told me that it won't surface until it's the right time. Or perhaps it never will. Perhaps if he truly did deliver a message from beyond the grave I'm not meant to consciously know it. Perhaps his message operates in my unconscious mind, quietly influencing things without me even knowing it. But dreams like this certainly can't be denied. I've had a few of this genre. And each time I know it's not a dream for the dream books, the meaning is fairly clear. It's just sometimes there are certain aspects of the dreams which for one reason or another I can't consciously know. But these dreams are undeniably different. They even have a look and feel separate from other dreams. I think that when we look for meaning in dreams, perhaps the meaning is dependent on the kind of dream it is.

Maybe my dream about a nuclear explosion means nothing more than that my brain was randomly (or perhaps systematically?) firing off synapses, and my brain was trying to make sense out of everything. Or perhaps it does have some meaning. Perhaps the meaning lies in how my brain put the whole thing together. But if so, I'm not sure what it is.

I just finished a yummy banana split. Chocolate almond fudge ice cream, Hershey's syrup, whip cream, and cherries. My two favorite parts: the first and last bites. The first bite is good because you still have a whole bunch left to savor. The experience is far from over. I like the last bite because I tend to save a little of everything for last. A little banana, a little ice cream, the cherry, some chocolate syrup, and a little whip cream. So not only do I savor my last bite, but I savor it in it's full potential.

I find pleasure in little things like that. There are all kinds of little things that give me a few moments of bliss. For instance this past semester, I had a discussion section for one of my PoliSci classes at 8 in the morning. The campus would always be fairly quiet, with only one or two people walking to their classes. The Campanile (Cal's huge clock tower) would be playing some song. The building where my class was at had these huge heavy wooden doors in this dim archway you had to enter to get inside the building. There were no doors or entryways immediately inside. Just some old brick stairs. The walls looked like they were made from stone (though I know they weren't). It was always fairly cool in that short first flight, with just a little warmth from the sun peering in through the huge window at the landing above. For some reason the combination of the bells ringing from the Campanile, and the old brick steps, and the "stone" walls made me feel like a monk walking through the monastery early in the morning. Or maybe someone walking quietly through the halls of an old castle. It was almost like a 5 second flashback to a prior life. I always savored those few seconds in the morning. It was strange, but it just made me feel a little happy.

I think that the little things really make the difference. Life is made up of the little things. They have been endowed with the power to make or break a person's day. It could be a stranger holding a door open for you. Someone not bothering to flush the toilet. A sincere smile from someone on the street. An empty milk carton left in the fridge. The little things make up life. They fill up the voids between the big things. And they make all the difference in the world.

Okay, I've been toying with this damn thing for a while now. I really need to go do something productive (shyeah, right). Maybe I'll call up Alicia and see if she wants to go do something.... No, wait! We're having Chinese food for dinner. I love Chinese food. I can't leave until I've eaten. And I think the malls close early today (but...maybe they're not and I can go spend money I don't have!)

Yay! I've had 5 people (other than myself and my boyf) check out my site. Keep coming back. I promise it will get better.

Rawr! I'm so impatient. I want people to visit my site. But it's only my first day....Even my boyf hasn't checked it out. Well, he's at work anyway. I'm sure he'll check it. =P

Happy Memorial Day!

Amidst the barbeques, and relaxing time off of work, let's all remember what this day is really about. Take a moment out of your festivities to remember those who have given the ultimate sacrifice, their lives, to protect and defend what we all take for granted. And take a moment to pray for our boys (and girls) over in the Middle East, and throughout the world. Even if you don't believe what they are over there for, they are still people, fellow citizens, and they are fighting for you. So show them some love!

Ok, so here's something random.

For a minimum of I think about $2000 you can have an autopsy performed by calling 1-800-AUTOPSY, or by visiting their website at www.1800autopsy.com and searching through their services section. They also have a gift catalog in case you want to buy that special someone a femur bone pen ($2.95), brain bookends ($30), casket stuffers ($1.00), or my favorite the Mini Guillotine ($21).

Here's a quote from their site:
"1-800-AUTOPSY, established in 1988, is a totally autonomous and mobile-based thanatology specialty company. 1-800-AUTOPSY has cultivated a distinguished reputation of excellence within the funeral industry, hospital and research institutions, procurement tissue and organ foundations, private families and the legal community."

Very strange.....

My first day. What can I say?

What's the point of this blog? It's so I can feed you whatever my brain cooks up.

So if you're hungry for a little fun, maybe a dash of something to stimulate or enrage you, or even a bowl full of nonsense, you've come to the right kitchen. I'll be serving all kinds of tasty treats for you to devour!